Sunday, July 26, 2009

Thinking again.

I've been told I think too much. I'm one of those who overanalyzes stuff. Can't help it, I just do.

I've found myself thinking the past few days of how Scooter had consumed my thoughts these past few months. I worried about him, checked on him, fed him on demand, catered to increasingly messy litterbox habits and had gotten to the point where I wanted to make sure we weren't gone for long hours at the same time. That was easy enough to do most days as I've not been working.

However, hubby wants me to do something to earn money, and I feel like that's a possibility again. Now that Scooter is gone, I find myself with some freedom that I haven't had in awhile. I had been primary caregiver to the old kitty, and I don't regret or grudge a minute of it. I don't think I can express how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to do that for him. What I knew to expect, but still don't know quite how to handle, are the mixed feelings of grief and relief. I'll work through them. I've been there before when my mother in law passed away from cancer. By the time she died, she was so riddled with cancer that her passing was a blessing. The relief we feel when we no longer have to watch a loved one suffer is huge. And I've found that we tend to feel a little guilty about that relief.

Part of me wants to withdraw and regroup. Sure, I've been at home since January, but it's different now. My focus can shift to other things, such as what do I want to do when I grow up. Puzzling out some of those odd sewing patterns in my head. I still have yarn colors in my head for which I need to develop recipes. Life does go on, constantly changing with new opportunities.

I've been a bit remiss with Week 2 of the Artist's Way. A new week starts tomorrow, and I'll get back on track. She suggests we may have resistance to some of the exercises, but I'm thinking my lack of adherence this past week has been due to extenuating circumstances. Maybe I'm just fooling myself, and it was an excuse to not deal with recovering a sense of identity. Thankfully, the Artist's Way is not something to do one time and never look at again. If I'm not ready for week 2 now, I can always tackle it later. (Or even this week.)

I hear brunch coming to the table, so I'm out of here.

1 comment:

Kyoko said...

I can see that you have been the most wonderful mum for Scooter.
We haven't travelled so far since two Christmas ago (partly because we also need to save money!).
I think your creations are wonderful. It probably is a very hard time for you to gather your feelings together but we (me, Kumo and Wata (i.e. the cats) are all thinking of you.