Full of thought

Today Keith and I took Scooter in to see the vet who just a month ago thought Scooter was ready to go. She said his wound (tumor) care looked good. We discussed how much he eats, what he does during the day, all while she watched him walk around the examining room. He was ready to leave, trying to get back into the cat carrier.

We are very aware, as she reminded us, that he is anemic, and the tumor is what is causing the anemia. His breathing is a little difficult, but not too bad, so we all decided that to give him fluids. They would also shave the area around the tumor so that it's easier to keep clean.

He is pretty darn spry for a 19 year old kitty with a wasting tumor. However, he got stressed out when they had him in the back to give him the fluids. When the vet came back in, she said they have given him oxygen for a couple of minutes. She said that he had also looked wobbly, and that is due to the anemia. She said to keep a close eye on him for the next 24 hours. If he looks even more wobbly, then it's his time.

She said that it seemed like it was pure determination on his part that he was still with us. Apparently when he was in the examining room with us, he was putting on a good show of being in better shape that he really is.

So we left there, knowing that this may be the end. I tell you, it is so difficult to watch a loved one, whether human or animal, go through cancer. As you know if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, I've been struggling with Scooter's slow decline. If I'd been blogging 10 years ago, you would have probably read entries very much like this as we went through my mother-in-law's long, slow death from cancer.

And I know that I've thought we were nearing Scooter's death more than one time over the past year. I've been fortunate that he's liked living so much that he's kept fighting to stay with us. Each passing day brings us closer to the day he has to leave. For all I know, he's going to be bright eyed and perky again tomorrow. Or we may be calling the vet for his final visit. I really don't know. I know what I wish for.

I also know I spoke about suffering and detachment to material things several months ago. I was on my high horse about material goods. I may not give a rat's ass about a fancy car, but I do suffer from attachment to my loved ones, once again both human and animal. The pain and grief I suffer is of my own choosing since I want to experience love and life. No amount of pre-grieving really helps when the finality of death comes upon you.

I apologize as I do want to keep my blog a happy, fun place, and I'm sure I'll have funny anecdotes to share again. Life goes on, both the sad and the funny. Even in grief we can find things to make us smile. It's just that I'm quite sad right now. I may have to go look at http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/ to cheer up some before heading to bed. Sleeping with cats in the bed with you isn't always restful, and we had Lily in with us last night. Ooh! I do have something funny to share. At some point after we had fallen asleep she decided that between our pillows was a great place to snooze. Keith said he rolled over in my direction and got a mouthful of cat fur. Since she had her head in my direction, he got the tail end. LOL! ;)